I am applying for welfare again this week, and based on the advise of several people who are close to me, I will be declaring at that time my intention to be be considered for Person With Multiple Persistant Barriers, or Person With Disability benefits.
As I mentioned in some recent blog postings, I am a deeply sensitive person, and related to this trait I also experience depression, anxiety and migrane headaches, as well as some intense ‘twitches’, (which are not done justice by the word twitch, but are not actually convulsions, either.) that are the result of repressed emotion and compounded trauma.
I have not worked a full-time job since 2003, and have not worked at all for almost 3 years. Lately I hardly even leave the house, am in a constant state of overwhelm, and stressed out so much my muscles ache.
The good news is I have a very strong sense of self-awareness. I have a path to healing that I have a hard time staying on, but is otherwise very clear to me. If it were not for this clarity and self-awareness, I would not go anywhere near a doctor’s office to talk about these things. As is stands, I feel strong enough to get a diagnosis, yet not let that diagnosis define me or mean much to me at all, except as my ticket to being able to get onto welfare and be able to pay the rent. I’ve no ‘medical history’ of mental illness symptoms because I’ve never trusted the medical system and I’ve only talked to one doctor at a walk-in clinic about these issues.
Lately I’ve been spending many hours a day pondering what I can do for money; what I can do to stay housed and fed. I’m highly skilled and highly motivated, but where the average job is concerned, I am a total wreck. I made it through one day of a job skills program this month, only to have a severe panic attack on the second day. Needless to say, I am out of that program.
I’m ready to work. I need to work. I want to work and I’m going crazy not being able to be useful, but I have not yet encountered employment that doesn’t severely trigger my anxiety. I work best independently, but with a certain guidance and part of a team, a general timeline (not a deadline, but enough to keep me on track), and not necessarily needing to do the same thing every day, but knowing ahead of time what my day is going to look like so I can prepare myself. What I am finding is that I cannot find employment that fits my particular needs. I don’t consider myself disabled, but in the context of the average workplace, I am completely useless. The shame and disappoint I experience whenever I attempt to overcome this and try to get back to work usually sets me back quite a bit.
So…I’m usually pretty open and honest about what I’m going through. This is me, and I am not ashamed. In fact, I realize that I am not alone in the least, and perhaps sharing my experiences can be helpful for others. I am lucky to have some good people in my life who are supportive and wonderful, and for that I am extremely grateful.
I’ve been researching the requirements for getting on disability benefits, and from what I’m told, the migranes alone, which can be pretty debilitating and happen about every second week (or more if I am under stress), may qualify me. I’m going to try to be as forthcoming as I can with whatever doctor I end up going to though, as the process can be incredibly difficult. I’ve waited this long because I haven’t wanted to talk about my experiences in the context of illness. I don’t like the framework of ‘mental illness’ whatsoever. I have been afraid that once I enter into that conversation with the healthcare system that I will lose sight of my perspective. What’s changed is accepting the role that sensitivity has in affecting my mood, my tolerance for stress, etc. I have a love and respect for my sensitivity, whereas earlier I didnt really acknowledge it that much. I believe strongly that if I can get a nutritious diet, regulate my exposure to stress, find ways to move emotion through (and other things I talked about here) that I’ll be able to level out, to not get so overwhelmed. I will still need to avoid stressful situations and be constantly aware of what I am taking on, but I am not worried about completely losing myself and needing hospitalization.
The depression and despair is often extremely overwhelming, and my current financial situation is stress that I have a hard time seeing around. I am having a hard time figuring out how I can afford to survive, but I am not suicidal. I don’t want to die, even when I can’t see past the pain.
I was reading what the BC government considers a disability and noticed this: “A person with disabilities is a person with a physical or mental impairment who is significantly restricted in his or her ability to perform daily living activities either “continuously or periodically for extended periods” and, as a result of these restrictions, requires assistance with daily living activities. Assistance could come from another person, an assistance animal or an assistive device.”
You know the first thing that comes to my mind when I read this? That I don’t imagine there is anyone who cannot perform ‘daily living activities’ “continuously or periodically for extended periods” by themselves. I just don’t think we were meant to live alone. And I don’t think that being unable to live alone and do everything for yourself is a disability.
But that’s not what they mean, I know. Feeding myself, washing myself, do I need daily help with those? I realize now that because I don’t always eat, because I don’t always have the ability to talk myself out of bed and into the shower, that I guess I do need help. I am able to live somewhat independantly because I don’t expect much of myself, but when I think about the daily routines of most people, I see how debilitated I am.
I’m not sure yet whether I plan to apply for disability. I’m just going to state the intent when I apply for welfare, and make an appointment with a doctor to evaluate my condition. I am hoping that I just need some time to heal and work through some things, and that I’ll find work that is suited to my needs. I just need to remove a bit of stress from my life, and the constant worry of how I am going to eat, or survive in the average workplace has been eating me up.
I’m talking about this now because I need to be clear for myself what is going on. And if anyone has any input that would also be helpful. I’m determined to rise above this and be useful again, to do great things, to provide for myself and be in a position to help other people. I have a great deal of anxiety about this process, and that’s part of why I am blogging about it, to solicit advice and support. My perception of the social safety net is that it is not set up to help people, but to discourage people from using it and help those who pass the test of being truly in need. I am very anxious about doctors and welfare workers challenging me on this, asking me to prove that I am depressed or suffering anxiety, treating me like a potential welfare cheat. I know it will be easier for me just knowing that people are thinking about me. So don’t be afraid to tell me what you are thinking…
